Behavior- Not Just for Two-Year-Olds

Right now I am sitting at Gate A19 in the Dallas/Ft Worth airport, and taking a few moments to reflect both on the past few days and the past couple of hours. Let me start with the last few days. I was in the DC area to present a general session at a conference of almost 200 child and youth development professionals. The topic was “Exploring Challenging Behavior”. I spent two-hours explaining that “behavior is communication.” We are all communicating through our behavior all the time, I told the group. I used the example that as my audience, I was reading their behavior during the presentation. Droopy eyes? I surmise they are sleepy and introduce something energizing to wake them up. It’s the same with children. When they behave they are communicating their wants and needs to us. The difference, I explain to the group, is that as adults we have cultivated some coping skills so that we can deal with life’s challenges. Children may not yet have the ability to say “I’m feeling frustrated” and so they show you in any number of ways, some of which can be very unappealing.

So, my speaking engagement went well, and I am up early on Sunday to catch my flight home. The originating flight leaves 40 minutes late, which I know will make it very likely that I will miss my connecting flight. We are not given any information about why we were delayed in the first place, or what will happen when we arrive in Dallas. I overhear conversations like “I heard there are no more flights to California today” and I start to feel my stress level increasing. My connecting flight is scheduled for 12:30pm and the plane hits the ground at 11:55am. I’ll make it! Then, we spend 10 minutes taxing into the gate and another 5 minutes waiting for the runway staff to clear some structure from in front of the gate. “There’s still a chance,” I think. We are coming into terminal D and my next flight is all the way over in terminal A. Rats! Then the guy in front of me stops in the aisle to answer his cell phone while exiting the plane, and by now I am very upset and it is starting to show. I am visibly fidgeting and I know that my face is revealing my frustration with both the situation and the guy who is holding up all the anxious people behind him. I run like I am being chased through a jungle by a hungry tiger and I just miss my flight. And I do mean “just.” By probably two minutes. By now I am almost in full-fledged toddler-tantrum mode. The woman in line in front of me asks me a benign question and I give her a terse reply. I am very, very close to full-fledged meltdown. I feel my eyes get moist as I ask the gate agent for help. After getting a new boarding pass (for a flight that was just two hours later), I head to the women’s room to dry my tears and take a few deep breaths.

I suddenly get the irony of the time I spent this weekend teaching people about children’s challenging behavior, and then displaying quite a good dose of it myself. Where were those coping skills I supposedly had developed? I actually practice a lot of yoga and meditation, where the goal is calmness no matter the circumstances. I certainly had failed the airport test. As human’s we are tested when life does not meet our expectations. We can feel stress when we are not in control of our circumstances. It does not matter if you are four-years-old or, in my case, 41 years old. As adults, I told my audience, we are helping children build skills when we support them in their own behavior change. I think I am going to have to do a little extra work with my own inner child!

Inclusion is…understanding that behavior is a method of communication.

Keep On Keepin' On- How Do You Do It?

Over the past couple of months Nili, Alissa and I have been presenting live training and conference presentations here, there and everywhere. We love doing this, because we love the live interaction of participants right there in the room with us. Alissa pointed this out to me today- she and Nili have been doing a lot of training via webinar, which is efficient and definitely a product of this economy. Alissa mentioned that as a presenter the webinar is a very different experience because you aren’t getting the constant feedback from the audience like you are in a live setting- are they sleepy? Confused? Excited? Who is staying with the pace, and who needs more time with the concept? We can get all this from seeing your face, watching your body language and feeling that unseen “vibe” in the room.

There is also more time in a live setting, and that informal time before and after to engage with participants. I find that before and after time very valuable. It helps me gage how the people in the field are generally doing. I get a temperature check- totally unscientific, but I get a sense about how people in our field are managing.

So, over the past few months in these informal conversations with training participants we’ve heard some real challenges that programs are facing. Which led me to wonder how these professionals are staying motivated in their jobs. Challenges are bound to come up, but they can really sap your energy, drain your staff and cause a less than stable social-emotional environment in a program. I guess my real question is, when you’ve got an enduring challenge- be it with a child, their parent or even an outside influence like administration or the economy, what keeps you motivated? What gets you up, dressed and to work everyday? We know from the research that people in care-giving fields are very susceptible to burn-out, and you add to that a paycheck that’s nothing to write home about and the cultural perspective that we are “just babysitting” (that’s changing, right?) and what is it that keeps us in our jobs?

I am really asking for your thoughts and ideas on this one. You may be wondering how this relates to inclusion. To me, the connection is clearly that inclusion is most successful when the people providing the programs bring their best self to work. They provide a consistent emotional tone, without a lot of dramatic highs and lows and children know what to expect from the staff, from the schedule and from the environment. Not to say that there won’t be a few fun surprises now and then (what do you mean there is a pony on the playground??), but our goal should be stability in our programs. If the staff is under a great deal of stress, stability is threatened, which can lead to challenging behaviors by the kids in your program, which contributes to more stress for the staff… I think you are getting the idea.

Inclusion is….important and requires that adults caring for children are capable of managing their own stress.

Drop a comment and share what you do to stay motivated or how you motivate your staff. I hope we’ll generate some great tips and learn from each other!

Heroes come in all sizes

First of all, thanks to Janet George of Child Care Services in Raleigh, North Carolina for sending me the link to this absolutely charming video. Before getting to the video, just let me say that Janet George is one of those people that sees the best in everyone. She trains the KIT Opening Doors to Inclusive Programs series in North Carolina, and is a very, very passionate and dynamic advocate for inclusion.

OK, now, back to the video. If you’ve attended many KIT trainings the first thing you may notice about this video is that the reporter uses dignifying language (“the child has autism”), but what really got me was the little charmer featured in the story. Click on the link and watch the video, then meet me back here.

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=8840563

Did you watch it? How great is this story? A child with a disability (who I will admit to being partial to since he does have red hair) learns the Heimlich maneuver in Cub Scouts and then applies it to save the life of his teacher. Do you see where I am going with this? INCLUSION SAVES LIVES!! I might have to get that on a t-shirt or a bumper sticker. Seriously though, this child acquired a skill in a recreational setting, and pulled it out of his pocket when it was needed most. We know that scouting programs teach very valuable life skills; skills that all children need and will serve them well in throughout their life. Let’s all do what we can to ensure that children like our little red-headed friend here have the opportunities to participate in these typical childhood activities.

I love how the teacher is getting emotional about his saving her life, and he is kind of blasé about the whole thing. I love how he says it’s his “first time saving a life” as if he expects he will save many more lives in the future. My absolute favorite moment, though, is when he asks the reporter “Can we get back to the part about me being a hero?” This, of course, shatters a common misconception that children with autism don’t want to interact socially or can’t be empathetic. Let’s all say it together- HE SAVED HIS TEACHER’S LIFE! If grabbing a choking adult around the gut to save her life isn’t social and empathetic, I don’t what is. How many of us would have the courage to do the same in an emergency situation?

Is this child a hero? In my book, absolutely. He did the hard thing, when it was needed the most.

Inclusion is….inspiring.